Picture Perfect (i wish...)

i had an argument with my mother today. her friend, who thought of a boy for me, dislikes the photo on my shidduch "resume" and wants a different one. i really am not so photogenic so i dont have any good pictures i would want to give this shadchan, other than the one that's on my resume now which is from my brother's bar mitzvah. so this shadchan decided she doesnt like that picture and wants another one. i dont have another one! i like that one! but my mother wants me to find a different one... and she wants my yearbook picture. 

okay, first of all, my yearbook picture is from THREE years ago. second, i hate it!! i really really really don't like it and i would never want any guy who is deciding whether or not to date me (or worse, his mother) to see that. 

i decided to google "shidduch picture" to see what others in the blogosphere had to say on the topic and i arrived at this site, which said:

"12/23/2003

Ed. Note - Possibly of interest for those who'd like to lightly touch up" their shidduch photo.

HATE YOUR YEARBOOK PICTURE? Attention students and teachers: get rid of unsightly pimples, remove orthodontic braces, circles under eyes, double chins, stray hairs, etc.  I will retouch your yearbook or other photo for only $10!"

The last line of the ad was the best... it says: "Remember Hashem made you perfect, but the camera makes mistakes!" awwwww... how sweet!  lol

in the end, however, i caved, and sent the yearbook picture. because i figure the shadchan will compare the two pictures and come to the conclusion that the first picture is much better (which is exactly the conclusion i want her to come to!!) 

PS. i had always heard a rumor that the guys in lakewood had a library filled with all high school yearbooks from all the schools all over the US from all the years. but a guy i went out with recently claims he has never seen a yearbook in Lakewood yeshiva. THANK G-D!! (all you girls can breathe a sigh of relief)

rules are meant to be broken

rules are meant to be broken. 

or are they?

who made up all these rules about shidduchim? things like, waiting upstairs when the guy comes in to meet your parents, him opening the car door for you, who leaves the house first... all these things. who made them up? must have been someone. these things have become so accepted that if someone breaks the rules, it's like they've done something wrong, when in reality they haven't... they've just done something different.

and these days people are so against people being different.

but what i think is interesting is that i've gotten questions from shadchanim or people who have called me about my friends for a shidduch, like: what makes you different from all the other girls out there? what makes so-and-so different? 

so what's going on here? is different good or bad?

what's the weather like up there?

is it wrong to want a boy who is taller than me? besides for the whole "shallow" "superficial" aspect of it, some say it makes you "look up to him" in more ways than one :)

am i being unrealistic? with the whole bashert thing (which i DO believe in): let's say my bashert is shorter than me and maybe i don't go out with him because of height issues?

Can't go into the details but...

You can't believe everything you hear.

Our parents have told us that millions of times. But do we really listen? We should. 

My friend almost had a shidduch pulled out from under her feet because of some sick rumors about the boy.  I can't go into any details but because of some person who decided that somehow the situation justified exaggeration or making up some "facts", she almost did not go out with this guy again even tho she really liked him.

you have to be so careful with things you say, especially when it comes to shidduchim. but in all areas as well. with shidduchim, people can say nasty things just because they don't like your parents, the school you went to, or because they're just plain jealous. make sure to get sources for everything you hear and don't believe something until it has been absolutely proven! it's not fair to either side. it wasn't fair to my friend. it wasn't fair to the boy. 

we're dealing with people's lives here.

i remember a few years ago, d'rav meir put on a play that was publicized by CCHF because it was about a girl who said lashon hara about another girl and it RUINED HER LIFE. i don't remember the story but it was really powerful.

Dating in Israel

my friend suggested that my mom look into boys learning in israel so that when im in israel in january i can go out there.  im a little hesitant about that. there are pros and cons:

it might be nice to have a different type of atmosphere, different places to go, to see things together, etc. but then again, its israel, and my parents won't be able to meet him and let's say it does go past one, two, three dates, and then its time for me to go home. what happens then? he comes to America? I dont know. Its such a new concept to me- I don't know if i'd be more nervous to date from someone else's house or less nervous....

we'll have to see if anything is even shayach or if anyone says "yes" before i get there.

Naive?

K- so in school today was talking to two girls who are younger than me and one was just redt her first shidduch and she was nervous about how the first phone call works and what to talk about and what happens on first date, etc etc. I tried to give her some advice but you know, up until i went on my first date about 4 months ago, i had no clue what to do or what to say or what to expect. so its not like im the best person to give her advice because i don't have that much experience. but it was interesting to see what  I was like before i went out on my first date. probably so naive just like these girls, who've never gone out before. it was just interesting to see myself from a different perspective, just like frum college girl observed what she was like in HS in her post yesterday.

it would be so cool to have an out-of-body experience and observe myself from the outside. that's probably sorta what it's like to have an identical twin, no?

No Patience!!!

I hate it!!! shidduchim take forever.

even if someone told me that they redt me a boy and then they have to hear back from him, it could be months until i actually hear something back - and usually i don't hear anything from them! its really frustrating. like this girl told me that she has a guy for me so i sent her my resume and its been like a month and i haven't hear anything. i hate the stupid lists that guys have- or really, their mothers have... its crazy. honestly, there must be a better way. 

everything just takes the longest time. and then i get my hopes up and nothing comes out of it. my mom's friends have this habit of asking us first if we're interested before they even get a yes from the boy's side and then i may not even find out if they're interested or not.

im sure people have ideas of how to better the system. wanna share?

First Post

Wow! this is fun. starting a blog. i've been wanting to for a while.

so just for some background info: im a 20 year old girl in college and "in the parsha." basically that's what this blog will revolve around and hopefully be interesting.  ive only gone out with three guys so far. last nite was guy #3. he was a nice guy but i was not really attracted at all and i didn't think it would be worth it to go out again because i didn't see it going anywhere.  so this morning when the shadchan called my mother said "no." 

now my question is: last night, as soon as i saw him, i knew that i didn't want to go out again. so of course we still had a good time on the date and i talked to him and everything but i hope i didn't lead him on to think i was having a good time and wanted to go out again when i really didn't! that wouldn't be fair to him and we would both have had a horrible time if i didn't talk and try to make it comfortable. so was that the right thing to do? plus- i feel bad because the shadchan called this afternoon asking me to reconsider and go out with him again because he really wanted to go out again. i'm flattered but i know it's not gonna go anywhere. i'm not attracted. am i being fair? realistic? of course i want a good looking husband! (not that this guy was overly ugly; just not my taste)

i feel bad. i don't know why. i know i made the right decision for myself. but he's really disappointed. how do i reconcile this?

what do you think about attraction on a first or second date? does it come with time or should that be something to consider on the first date??