so just for some background info: im a 20 year old girl in college and "in the parsha." basically that's what this blog will revolve around and hopefully be interesting. ive only gone out with three guys so far. last nite was guy #3. he was a nice guy but i was not really attracted at all and i didn't think it would be worth it to go out again because i didn't see it going anywhere. so this morning when the shadchan called my mother said "no."
now my question is: last night, as soon as i saw him, i knew that i didn't want to go out again. so of course we still had a good time on the date and i talked to him and everything but i hope i didn't lead him on to think i was having a good time and wanted to go out again when i really didn't! that wouldn't be fair to him and we would both have had a horrible time if i didn't talk and try to make it comfortable. so was that the right thing to do? plus- i feel bad because the shadchan called this afternoon asking me to reconsider and go out with him again because he really wanted to go out again. i'm flattered but i know it's not gonna go anywhere. i'm not attracted. am i being fair? realistic? of course i want a good looking husband! (not that this guy was overly ugly; just not my taste)
i feel bad. i don't know why. i know i made the right decision for myself. but he's really disappointed. how do i reconcile this?
what do you think about attraction on a first or second date? does it come with time or should that be something to consider on the first date??
17 comments:
thanks for the link...welcome to the blogosphere!!!
Anyway...sorry to say this, I think you may have been a little hasty. Besides for his looks, did you have a nice time...I'm sure you've heard this from plenty of people that looks can grow on you...and it's totally and completely true...I think he may have deserved a second date...if you read my post "Anticpation Dissiapation" I did not go for the guys looks off the bat...I ended up going out with him four time, I said no for reasons having nothing to do with his looks, because once I got to know him, I was ok with his looks, I almost even liked them...
Most girls (I know I speaking for myself) think their friends are pretty...I wonder are they pretty because they actually are pretty or because they are my friends and I love them...there is a lot more to looks than first impressions.
i know. i totally understand what you're saying. my friend told me the same thing. she said that i should have given him a second chance but the truth is: i did not WANT to get used to the way he looks. (do you get what i mean??)
btw, Sporadic-
i just read your post "anticipation dissapation" and you are EXACTLY like me. omg we would (or could- how weird is that???) be friends in real life. i have that nervous feeling every single time i go out. and i'm really not that type. i don't get stressed out at all. by anything. but when it comes to dating, i'm a nervous wreck. my mom thinks its hilarious. but then the second i leave my front door with the guy, its GONE. no more nervousness. so i guess its not so bad.
but about the looks thing: i do want a good looking husband and i'm not being so picky. like with my first two guys, i was ok with looks and i figured they would grow on me. height is a major thing for me but i don't usually specify certain looks. but guy number three was just not my type at all and i didnt want to like it eventually.
I hear what your saying that you don't want to get used to it...but there is always going to be something you have to get used to...as vain as I may sometimes be, I'd rather get used to someones looks, than nose picking, farting, temper, perpetual lateness, etc.
But then of course, that me, and the priorities I've set up for myself. If you want a good looking guy, that's your perogative, same way I'd say no to a guy who wasn't very smart...it's whatever is important to you.
Some people say looks are a shallow thing, I just say it's a different criteria, how is it any different than me looking for brains, someone else money, sense of humor, a learning boy, a college boy....but then sometimes you need to reavluate what you thought was a must...
...for example, I went out with very smart guy, who was clueless about the world, books, culture, anything, he had his head in a gemara 24/7...It didn't work out for other reasons, but I reevaluted what I thought was a necessity...I thought I needed a worldly, well-rounded guy...not anymore.
that's interesting... i don't view myself as a vain or superficial person, for the most part. i don't need a stunning, drop dead gorgeous guy, but just someone who i'm attracted to. doesn't have to be the hottest guy out there. ( i think there could be other issues with that- like he may be very self centered or attract attention from other women- which is something i would not want.)
that being said, maybe i do need to reevaluate things. and the other things is, i've just started dating (in sept.). so maybe with time my priorities will straighten out a bit.
thanks!
You might want to straighten out your priorities before you date again, so you don't waste the guys time, your own, or throw away something you may regret.
i understand what u mean about not wanting to get used to how he looks--- like why should i marry someone whos looks had to grow on me?! but i agree with sporadicintelligence... i think u were too quick to say no. i always give a guy a 2nd chance unless theres something horrific about him.
but then i would have said no after the second date and it would have been a total waste of time for both of us because i had made up my mind already
no... maybe on the 2nd date he would say something that would make u look at him in a whole new way!
Oh, man. So much to say...
First of all, Tem, as some of the others have said, there is no way to know whether the first impression you got of a guy--meaning first date--is the same thing you'll feel on the second date, third, or 20 years down the line when you have 7 kids with him. From loads and loads of personal experience in this area (the dating, I mean, not the seven kids...:-P) I've come to realize that you can be completely sure that a guy on the first date is perfect for you and then the second (or fifth) realize that you were *completely* off the mark, or have a guy you thought was so ugly on the first date and then the third you realized that he was kinda cute after all...
That having been said, I should tell you that it's very often that I myself say no after a first date. But that could be a very big mistake if you're seeing things in him that are not his essence, or seeing things you *think* are important, but down the line won't necessarily be... Yes, looks matter a lot, and you can't marry a guy you think is drop dead...dead...but unless the guy is revolting to you, I'm not sure if that's a reason to say no after a first date. Looks WILL grow on you, and if you don't need a "stunning, drop dead gorgeous guy" then perhaps you should not be (forgive me) too hasty and say no cuz of no chemistry. Chemistry does not happen after a first date. That's for those soppy love story movies. Love at first sight rarely happens in the shidduch system. Gotta take the time to get to know a guy and *then* the chemistry kicks in. Most of the time those "I knew right away"s make little warning bells go off in my head. Take your time, sweetie...
You're pretty new to this...try and feel things out without being too sure of things. I was a bit too hasty when I started dating and it was not such a great thing. Take it slow... Feel the guy out. Don't be afraid to ask him a question to see what he's made of ("So why *are* you in Yeshiva?" "What makes you want to learn?" "Who do you look up to?" "Tell me about your parents...") Be active. Learn a lot about the guy from himself--the best source of info about him. Ditch dating protocol--talk about anything you want on the first date. Just be comfortable. Good that you're not nervous when you leave the house--that's really great.
Argh...I wish I could impart to you all my wisdom of years' worth of dating experiences... I guess my best advice would be to just try and enjoy the experience and take things as slow as you need. Don't be hasty. Talk things over with friends/parents/siblings/older ppl as much as you can to get better perspectives on things. I hope you won't abhor the dating experience as much as I did (tee hee :-D)
And now that I've chewed your ear off (sorry...), nice blog! Welcome to the blogosphere, and titchadshi on starting off!
What's Tembow mean?
corner-
thanks so much for responding! i really appreciate it and i wish I *could* get all your dating advice :)
i probably should have waited a little before making my decision to say no right away because according to EVERYONE (in the blogosphere and out) i should have given him a second chance. i guess i'll know for the future. but this guy was just a nerd and totally not for me looks-wise. and if you want to call me shallow, then do so, because i guess looks do matter to me more than i thought they did.
and maybe you can't answer this, but, as sporadic intelligence brought up in her post "Below Beauty and Brains": why is it more shallow to look for looks than brains?
i mean, maybe its because looks don't have anything to do with the personality and "attitude" of the person while brains could determine the type of conversations you'll have with the person and the type of personality the person has. (you understand?) but seriously- what's the diff.??
btw are you married or still single?
and someone once told me that Tembow means "elephant" in some foreign language. don't read into that- no, im not obese and no, i don't have self-image issues. LOL
Just a thought--I know a couple who got married several years after they originally met. The wife initially turned down the guy because of his looks...several years later, when it was suggested again, she had reevaluated her priorities and agreed to meet him again (the rest is history)....
Throwing my hat in here, although I first read this a few days ago. I really, really didn't want to respond as I usually avoid any degree of seriousness like the effing plague (come on, today I blogged about Bacon Salt), but this can't be avoided.
Look, there needs to be some kind of physical attraction to your life partner. That's straight from Hashem - Song of Solomon it if you're wondering. Not to mention that He created us as creatures concerned with image, tethered to bodies. So yeah, Tembow: you have to like how the potential Mrs. Tembow looks.
The issue is the haste, as sporadic put it - one time for anything does not really allow for an adequate data sampling. There's an old adage, "Try everything twice." Granted, this shouldn't apply to heroin or unprotected sex, but I think with shadduch dates it's very prudent. Think of a photograph: likenesses change from one picture to the next and it's very much that way in real life as well.
I'm not saying to keep forcing it, going on dates number three through twelve if you just really don't feel anything, but everyone has realized that a person becomes more or less attractive to you based on their insides. My fiance? Not outwardly attractive to anyone but myself. My last boy? A straight up model. And an observant Jew. Yeah, some days I kick myself for that, but it just proves my point.
Looks are important, but you have the responsibility to parse out something more. Just like you'd hope a guy would do for you.
you said he wasnt good looking and he was nerdy - those are two different things. youre probably not attracted to a nerdy guy because of what makes him nerdy - it says something about his personality not just his looks.
that being said, i think giving a second chance in these cases is smart for one reason - so youll never have to look back and wonder if you gave it a fair chance. i dont think its leading him on or being selfish, because by going out you ARE giving him a second chance.
I would say that no matter if you think he's the guy for you or not, you can still act yourself and have a good time, no point in ruining the evening because they aren't the right one.
I think attraction doesn't come right away, and a lot of times, once you start talking to the person, and you see their personality, they suddenly change, and it's like their looks transform, for the better or worse depending on their characteristics.
and it's really cool that I actually read all your posts so far! and I like your background! and now thinking back at that "mamma comment" I don't know what she was saying, I disagree with her.
Actually about the whole priorities stuff, one of my sem teachers made a game to help you with that. It's called Checkmate. We actually played it in class and it was a lot of fun. This is from 2006. But I would assume they still have it.
thanx babysitter!
Tembow: Your welcome!
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