Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Advice

First, i would like to express my thanks to frum college girl for turning me on to blogging. i found her blog, started reading, and haven't stopped... and started my own blog- all thanks to her! so thank you fcg!

Second, my blog started with my first post, rightfully named "First Post". i needed advice about my dating situation so i decided to turn to readers in the blogosphere to get some help. though i received little help and a lot of criticism (it's okay- im totally over it!!), i would like to ask advice on a present situation...

today i was talking to someone i work with. she works from home so i only get to see her on rare occasions when she comes into the office. i was talking to her today via IM and this is how the conversation went:

tembow: hi!
her: hi!!! how are you?
tembow: tired but otherwise great! u?
her: great!
tembow: that's good
btw when are you due?
her: ask A (another girl i work with) that question. she'll answer you
tembow: why?
her: she'll know
tembow: ok
gnite
her: gnite!!!

ok so i knew something was up! but then i got an email when i got home from work, from A.- the other girl i work with. this is what her email said:

hey tembow...
i meant to tell you but i think you were away when it happened.
but B. is no longer pregnant... she had a miscarriage :(
it's really sad because she was like 5 months along and it was a major deal... she was out for 2 weeks (pretty much the whole time you were away) 
i feel really bad that i never mentioned it to you... and i hope that i didn't put you in any type of uncomfortable position.
B. just asked me to tell you because she has trouble talking about it...

I FEEL SOOOO BAD! i had no clue and i just "randomly" asked her, i don't know why. it happened while i was in israel so i guess nobody thought to tell me or forgot.
do you think i should apologize or just pretend that it never happened??

14 comments:

Something Different said...

My sister once went over to congratulate a teacher on her daughter's engagement only to find out that it was broken the night before. These kind of situations are so awkward but understandable.
Sorry. :(

itsagift said...

You would probably know your friend best and how she deals with tough situations in her life. Does she run away or does she talk about her difficulties?
I can't speak for her but I would guess that any normal human being with feelings would want you to be upfront with them and talk to them. Tell your friend, I know this must be really hard for you but I heard what happened and I'm sooo sorry for you...I feel for you etc...and I'm here for you if there's anything you need etc...
This is a very difficult test but if you just ignore it, there is no end...will you never talk about children again in front of her, until she becomes pregnant again?!
I think the best thing to do is to face it - of course while being sensitive all along and making sure to be very careful with her feelings...
May you be able to be a good, true friend and hold her hand all along.

tembow said...

itsagift: thanks for the advice. i just need to clarify something which i may not have made clear. this girl is not really my friend. i work with her and we have a good relationship at work via instant message but i don't speak to her at all outside of work and i hardly ever see her because she works from home. also she is several years older than me. so i dont know her that well and i definitely don't know how she's handling the situation, except that she'd rather not talk about it.

someone else gave me advice to wait until she brings it up (if she does) the next time we speak. then it'll show if i should discuss it with her or move on, like she has herself.

G6 said...

Please don't beat yourself up.
She knows it was a mistake and she obviously can't talk about it right now but I'm sure she understands and maybe even feels bad for your plight too.

Since she obviously didn't want to talk about it with you, I'd say not to say anything to her but you could send her some chocolates with a note or even just a letter, but I wouldn't mention the miscarriage SPECIFICALLY. She'll understand why you are sending it.

Now one more thing (and ONLY b/c you said in your post that you can take criticism ;) )....
It is never recommended with an acquaintance to ask them "when are you due" for a VARIETY of reasons, this being the least of them. Just don't do it - 'mmmkay?

tembow said...

thanks G6, i'll keep that in mind :)

anon#1 said...

I think that if she didn't want to tell you about it, you shouldn't bring it up until she does. Maybe you can ask B. to apologize to her for you, if they have a closer relationship. My mother did that when a coteacher that she's not very close with had a miscarriage. She asked another co- to pass along her message, and she appreciated it very much.

Good luck! Don't feel bad about it. It's not something that's advertised, and you couldn't have known.

EsPes said...

a few of my friends had miscarriages (MUCH earlier than 5 months tho, so im sure that changes it dramatically)... and it was very hard for them to talk about right away, but after a bit of time went by, they felt ok talking abt it...
but those were my FRIENDS.

someone i wasnt friends with i would only talk abt it if they brought it up...but of course every situation is different

itsagift said...

Even though you aren't very close with her, you can still let her know that you care and that you are there for her if she needs someone to talk to. You can IM her - tell her that you heard what happened and you feel sooo sorry for her etc...and then ask her, if she still wants to talk about it, you are here for you but if she doesn't want to, you won't mention another word. Put the ball in her court.
Good luck!

Jenny said...

I think that miscarriages can be hard, because people don't think of them as a real loss because the child is not yet born, when to the mother, it's absolutely a real loss. I would simply, next time you're IM'ing her or talking to her, just start out with, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do, please let me know." And then move immediately to a work topic so she doesn't feel a need to respond. No need to explain that you now know or how you know or to apologize for your blunder. She knows what you're talking about, and she knows that you didn't mean to open any wounds. Don't beat yourself up over this honest accident!

tembow said...

FYI this is the conversation that took place between me and A. at around 1:00 pm this afternoon:

me: hi A.

her: hey!

me: i am so sorry about yesterday

her: no worries

me: i didn't mean to hurt you at all
1:41 PM
her: not your fault

me: hope you forgive me

her: i just thought it would be better for you coming from B.
and also i dont really like telling pple

me: ye
yeah we don't have to talk about it

her: how is it in the ofice today?
busy?

me: just wanted to apologize

her: i'm sooo busy here

me: im in school actually...

*we continued talking about work and stuff. B"H it went really well. so thanks, guys, for all your input. ur the best

itsagift said...

Thanks for the update.
So it looks like she didn't really want to talk about it much but she was relieved that you know what happened.
May you only have good news to spread and share from now on!

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

I thought your not supposed to ask when someones due?

And I think all that critisism last time was uncalled for.

And I would just apologize and say you didn't know, she'll understand, it'll be none of your faults and you'll be happy its cleared up. If you ignore it, then it might constantly eat you up that she might hold a grudge against you for it. So this way you say you feel bad, and she'll say not to worry, and then you'll be okay again.

I'm probably too late with this, so what did you end up doing?

now I'm reading the ending comment, and glad it worked out, that was perfect.

EsPes said...

why cant u ask when some1 is due?

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

Espes: I'm not sure, I can't remember why, maybe for tznius reasons? or an ayin hora? or just politeness? or maybe it was just my imagination, maybe your allowed to ask.

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